The poisonous words that undermine your credibility

By Neil Patrick

The words we choose determine who we are to the ears of everyone we speak to.

I just read a post here at Fast Company by Hunter Thurman which proposed that overuse of the word "so" in business conversations undermines our credibility.

But I don’t agree with his argument that the word "so" is particularly damaging. Here’s an extract from his post.

Hunter argued that:

1. “SO” INSULTS YOUR AUDIENCE

That little head cock, slight furrowing of the brow, and set-up with “so” says to your audience, “I’m trying to dumb this down so someone like you may have at least a chance of comprehending the importance of what I do.”

The person with whom you’re talking won’t call you on it, because he won’t even consciously recognize it. But the convention we’ve all created around “so” will register subconsciously, and the damage will be done.

2. “SO” UNDERMINES YOUR CREDIBILITY

The “so” setup also announces: here comes the rehearsed part of my discussion.

It’s like a poker player’s tell that announces to your audience that they’re about to get pitched. This one is easier to observe than the insult I talked about above--just walk up to the first peer you encounter and ask him what he’s working on.

He’ll follow with, “So, I’m optimizing our UI to better convert... ”

It’s obvious that you just heard his “public” version of his current workload. The more honest answer might be something like, “I’m trying to figure out where one f-ing period is jagging up all this code... ”

3. “SO” DEMONSTRATES THAT YOU’RE NOT 100% COMFORTABLE WITH WHAT YOU’RE SAYING

Just as the “so” setup announces that this portion of the conversation will be very deliberate, it also demonstrates that you’re not as comfortable with your story as you think you are.

Rather than just plainly answering their question, you’re relying on the crutch of a practiced blurb. Usually, whatever follows “so” is a carefully crafted sentence, evolved over many iterations and audience reactions.

I do not agree. And judging by the comments on Hunter’s post a lot of people feel the same way.

The word “so” is a conjunction. And anyone who has a basic grasp of grammar knows the rule which says you should never begin a sentence with a conjunction.

“And” is also a conjunction. And I choose to begin sentences with it all the time. I know I’m breaking the rules of good grammar. But, (yes that’s another conjunction) I do so deliberately. I happen to think that blogging doesn’t benefit from the application of strict grammar. It should be conversational. It should be easy to read. It should flow. Plenty of top selling fiction writers know this. And they do the same thing.

Personally, if someone uses the word “so” at the beginning of a sentence in a business conversation with me, I don’t mark them down. I interpret it as simply meaning “what I am about to say has a causal relationship with the previous thing I said”. And that’s fine with me.

So, I think Hunter has arrested the wrong suspect.

But (yes I did it again), I agree with him that the words we choose to use determine how we are perceived by an audience. And I’d like to propose a list of villains that I think really qualify for incarceration.

How about these:

Like…

“‘I like horror movies” is just fine. “I’m like thinking” is not. For some reason, this has become the default tic of young females, especially in the US and UK. It implies youth, but also cluelessness.

You know?

This is just annoying. And a little insulting. Of course I know. You just told me (or are about to).

Frankly

The speaker is striving for the implication that they’re being honest. Which suggests to me they are not.

Right?

As a tic inserted in every paragraph, not only is it irritating, after a while the listener begins to wonder if you’re not trying to convince yourself. Right?

Literally

Another one which when combined with “like” promotes a quiet raging inside me. Some people apparently don’t understand what the word really means. They just use it for general emphasis. If you use it, you risk being dumped into the bucket with them.

I freely admit I am not without guilt as anyone who has spoken with me will testify. I'm perhaps the world’s greatest hesitator and at least half of my spoken sentences are prefixed by a great big ‘ummm’.

I know I do it and I try hard to minimise it. But I know I’ll never banish it completely.

And that is OK I think.

No, our real enemy is our unconscious use of the words which sneak into our vocabulary through others’ repetition and overuse.

The solution isn’t to banish words from our vocabulary. Or to apply strict rules of grammar. It’s to try and hear ourselves when we speak. Learn to listen to ourselves and make every word count.

You might think none of this matters in our normal day to day conversations. And I’d agree. But if we use these times to practice our mindful choice of vocabulary, we’ll be much better able to present ourselves credibly when the important speaking occasions arise.

So, it’s like you know, let’s literally think about the stuff we say. Frankly we’ll be perceived in a better light. Right?